I imagine it all put together on a set similar to American Gladiators. Lots of colors, lots of wild lights and muscly people around just for intimidation’s sake.
It’s a test, an obstacle course to see who is the real deal.
A gauntlet emphasizes the difficulty, not the celebrations.
Not for the faint of heart.
Here’s the course…
Station 1: Waiting Room
A moderately sized room with one chair. You have to sit in the chair for 3 hours. That’s it.
Station 2: Trailer
Exit the room and you’re on a poorly lit street, its raining a little bit and you’re already late. (You idiot, why were you just sitting around for three hours?! Now you must carry that shame with you into the rest of the obstacle course.)
The task: Unpacking and repacking a full-to-the-max trailer.
Important note: in the time you were unpacking the trailer, the drummer bought another floor tom, which must also find a place in the already maxed out trailer.
Station 3: Club Owner
You drive your rig to the club.
The task: Convincing a club owner that 2+2 is 4 when he’s believed for the last 35 years that it’s 5.
Important note: The club owner hates you. No reason.
Station 4: Stairs
Now that you’ve talked some common sense into the club owner, it’s time to load in.
The task: carrying a 1x15 combo bass amp up three sets of stairs. Then somehow the guitar player had beat you up there but now he’s passed out drunk, so you must carry a drunk guitar player down those steps and back in the van.
Station 5: Pre-mature celebration
When you got back down to the van, you get a phone call and you’re…
…informed you won the lottery!!!! A wild celebration ensues. Booze, new leather pants, a subscription to the jelly of the month club.
…however, then you are informed that you didn’t actually win the lottery…and now you’re deeply in debt from the celebration too.
Important note: You have more embarrassment and shame now.
Station 6: Sound check
You make it back upstairs for sound check
The task: sound check your instrument and microphone with a blind 85 year old sound man who only speaks an extinct 17th century Egyptian language called Coptic
Important note: doors are in ten minutes
Station 7: Deprivation
You’re done with the show and have a ticket to a magical mystery machine
…a machine that simulates the feeling of Christmas being canceled do to your lack luster hygiene.
And that’s it!!
The fastest possible time for this obstacle course is six hours…but you MUST complete it in five.
If you can do it in five, you win!!
Your prize?
Another trip through.
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I’m always interested in your perspective, whether affirming or dissenting. Continue the conversation anytime: gabethebassplayer@gmail.com